In life there is no do-over

 You can’t go back and change anything you did. If you realize it soon enough, you can go forward and be different, but there is no do-over. That offense, whatever it was, is yours to live with. An apology might bring forgiveness, but it won’t take away the uneasy feeling that you harmed someone in some way and you can’t undo it. I’ve become aware that I was not the person I thought – I hoped – I was. I didn’t live my life and love my people as well as I believed I did. Memories come back to haunt, but you’re stymied because you can’t do it over. Can you really apologize for something you did 30, 40, 50 years ago or more? I don’t know. How can you even begin? Some of what I did harmed others and I never realized it until the harm to others manifested in them and they in turn harmed others. They didn’t do it out of malice or even with the knowledge that they’d learned to do that - from me.

 No do-overs. I look back on my life and see little to no real adversity, but I also see missed opportunities for kindness, forgiveness, care, praise, love. I look back and see that what I thought was “normal” might have been seen by others as dysfunctional. Hindsight.

Life is full of surprises and change. Not all surprises are good; not all change is bad. 

A short time ago I learned I have thyroid cancer. The thyroid and part of an adjacent lymph node were removed on October 15, 2024, by Dr. Stang, my surgeon at Duke. (He was recommended by a friend and she was right; he is great!) 

This is a unique experience and my emotions are running the gamut. However, they are hard to detail. I've been a "take charge" person most of my life. I've always tried to help, but now I might need help and I don't know how I feel about that. However, I didn't have to ask since my mountain daughter and grandson were here to help Pete help me! I was in good hands.

I've done my research and talked to some folks and I'm heading into a completely new situation health wise. Synthroid is the medication I have to take to do the job of the thyroid. In the first week or two after surgery, I had to consume large amounts of calcium (TUMS!) until my parathyroid was back in gear. (It is...). Post-surgery was not nearly as bad as I feared. I knew I'd be prescribed drugs for pain, but I didn't fill that Rx and never needed them. The pain I feared was mild, and Tylenol was all I needed. I used ice packs for a day or two and cough drops when my throat felt dry. Within hours after surgery I could eat and drink. I stayed overnight at Duke where every two hours a nurse "checked my vitals." Rest was not on the menu that night! I was discharged about noon the next day and given many instruction - rest, don't drive, drink plenty of fluids, take TUMS, and Senacol, and contact us if...

I was tired when I got home so I did as I was told, I rested, and when I was done resting, I rested some more! My appetite was easily satisfied by scrambled eggs and toast or a tin of soup. Swallowing was not a problem, but I didn't feel hungry so small meals worked.

I had a post-op appointment this week. The diagnosis is papillary thyroid carcinoma. I have an appointment with an oncologist in a few weeks. He will determine if the cancer migrated to my lungs. From there an endocrinologist is likely next. What I'm learning about treatment is a bit overwhelming, but I won't have the full picture until the treatment is determined.

After the initial surgery I had family to help. It was heartening to know friends were standing by to help if needed, but I required very little care.

The next steps may not be as easy, but many friends have offered help. All I have to do is tell them what I need, and I know they'll provide it. 

God will see me through whatever comes as He has through the surgery. He has been in charge all along and has led me where I needed to be. He has gifted me with good family and friends and medical practitioners. I will continue to trust that He will guide me through the future and all it holds.

The more things change, the more they remain the same...

Life is many things. It is full of varied emotions, anxieties, wonders, thoughts, and experiences. Everything you can imagine is contained in life. Right now I'm thinking about the preposterousness of hoping things change only to know that while they may be different, they haven't really changed. The same conundrums rise up and gobsmack you. Perhaps it is my folly to think things can be different than they have been when I know in my heart that they will remain the same. Sadly, I realize intellectually that things will deteriorate as time passes, and as unsettling as life is as one ages, it's bound to get worse. 

That's sad to think about and there is no solution. People get set in their ways, their body grows old, and the senses that once made things clear no longer perform as they did. Vision isn't as clear, and hearing isn't as acute. Even smells seem to change, yet that sense sometimes detects things from long-forgotten times. If you're lucky, there is someone you can hug and who will hug you. If you're very lucky, chocolate (and pasta) will taste good forever. But nothing is certain except the knowledge that things will continue to change, and usually not for the better.

Many years ago, my grandmother left the country of her birth and sailed, with an infant daughter, to a new world...America. She left behind a family she loved and joined the man she loved. The child that traveled with her was joined by 5 more siblings over the years. It was hard being an immigrant and the new country was not especially kind to them. The man worked hard; the woman raised the children and did her best with what they had. The children grew and married and raised families of their own, and like their parents, some moved. I was fortunate that the child from across the sea did not move away. I had the pleasure of knowing both my maternal and paternal grandparents and experiencing many celebrations with them - holidays, birthdays, baptisms, weddings, and more over the years.

While I didn't leave the country of my birth, I did move away from my family. I followed my spouse as he sought a better job. I raised my children and traveled back home whenever I could. When children are young, there is much to do with them and for them, and that was my joy. However, children grow into adults and go their own way. Mine were no different. None live near enough to drop in for a visit, so visits are few and far between. The husband and I have to take care of each other and pray that we will both remain healthy enough to continue doing so.

But sometimes I think about our future and what it might hold. Growing old gives one much to consider.

What's to worry about?

How will this year be seen through the lens of history? A pandemic - maybe, maybe not. A senseless murder of a black man by police that caused protests - understandable - and riots - NOT understandable in the least. It's said there's a massive comet headed toward Earth - it's possible; the scientists say it's so.

I'm venturing forth from home a bit; groceries, ice cream shop, a couple of stores, even a visit with a friend at a local park. My daughter was concerned especially about meeting a friend and wanted me to forego that pleasantry. I didn't want to argue about it and ultimately said I would be cautious but not paranoid. Are some folks being paranoid? I don't know. I can't judge when one person's caution turns into paranoia.

Every year, there is a "flu season." Some have been worse than others, but we were led to believe that this was the worst ever and so most of us locked ourselves away. Now folks are venturing forth...returning to work, reopening businesses and all under the guidance of state governors some of whom have no qualms about tanking what was a robust economy - thanks to President Trump. Care must be taken. I understand that. But the draconian measures have to stop.

What if...

What if predestination is valid? What does that mean today or any day past or future? Does it mean that the concern and fear over this virus were unwarranted because you are destined to live to a particular point in time? Maybe that accounts for miracles, i.e. two people in the same horrid situation - say a car crash - and one lives while the other dies. Or a diagnosis of cancer where treatment works for one but not the other. It goes on, but what precisely is it, or isn't it? I don't have the answers, only the questions.

The virus from Wuhan a.k.a. COVID 19

I decided to isolate myself on March 12, 2020. More and more news about the virus was coming out and it was beginning to sound serious. I heard nay-sayers on one hand and hysterics on the other, so I chose the middle road and decided to stay in my home.

I'm "of an age" and have mild respiratory problems (similar to asthma). Wouldn't you know that that problem would decide to plague me just as I was trying to digest all the news. It kinda scared me to think "what if?" So I stayed home and remain home. Now it's 10 days later and I still don't feel safe. I track my temperature to make sure I haven't developed a fever. My children are encouraging me and my husband to remain home and we will for the foreseeable future.

I didn't live through the depression; my parents did. My mother related a few tales of privation when she was young. I've never experienced being unable to easily find whatever I wanted or needed sitting on a shelf in a grocery or department store. I haven't seen it first hand even now. My larder was fully stocked when shelves were starting to be emptied, and the few items I've needed since were available. I won't venture out even though retailers are crafting ways to make me and my fellow seniors safer, i.e. using the first hour of the day for us, cutting online shopping fees, reducing delivery fees. And restaurants are being creative as they change from dine-in to take-out only and even offering delivery. Dominos offers contactless delivery; buy and pay online, the driver leaves it on the porch.

So many ways are being developed to keep us out of harm's way and yet we are not there, yet.

There was a tale related about teens filming themselves as they "pretended" to cough on fresh vegetables. I can't understand why parents would allow their children to roam freely so that they can either get this virus or perhaps be asymptomatic and pass it to everyone they meet.

I've often said that common sense is no longer common, and as I see news stories, it becomes even more evident that it's true.

I worry about my children and grandchild. They are following guidelines to keep themselves safe. My local child lets me know when she's going to shop and picks up what I need.

I have things to do. I can surf the internet, watch movies on TV, play solitaire, read books, sew, and even just clean drawers and closets. But I miss people.

November 19, 2021

It seems there is still no end in sight. There are inoculations available, but it seems that while they might mitigate some of the symptoms, it isn't a true vaccine that will keep it away. People are still worried. I'm still cautious. 

God will find you (by Father John Powell of Loyola University)

I found this story that my sister shared with me several years ago. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. 

Father John Powell, a professor at Loyola University in Chicago, writes about a student in his Theology of Faith class named Tommy: Some twelve years ago, I stood watching my university students file into the classroom for our first session in the Theology of Faith.  That was the day I first saw Tommy.  He was combing his long flaxen hair, which hung six inches below his shoulders. It was the first time I had ever seen a boy with hair that long. I guess it was just coming into fashion then.  I know in my mind that it isn't what's on your head but what's in it that counts; but on that day.  I was unprepared and my emotions flipped. I immediately filed Tommy under "S" for strange... Very strange. Tommy turned out to be the "atheist in residence" in my Theology of Faith course. He constantly objected to, smirked at, or whined about the possibility of an unconditionally loving Father/God.  We lived with each other in relative peace for one semester, although I admit he was for me at times a serious pain in the back pew. When he came up at the end of the course to turn in his final exam, he asked in a cynical tone, "Do you think I'll ever find God?" I decided instantly on a little shock therapy.  "No!" I said very emphatically. "Why not," he responded, "I thought that was the product you were pushing." I let him get five steps from the classroom door and then I called out, "Tommy!  I don't think you'll ever find Him, but I am absolutely certain that He will find you!"  He shrugged a little and left my class and my life. I felt slightly disappointed at the thought that he had missed my clever line -- He will find you!  At least I thought it was clever. Later I heard that Tommy had graduated, and I was duly grateful. Then a sad report came.  I heard that Tommy had terminal cancer. Before I could search him out, he came to see me. When he walked into my office, his body was very badly wasted and the long hair had all fallen out as a result of chemotherapy.  But his eyes were bright and his voice was firm, for the first time, I believe. "Tommy, I've thought about you so often; I hear you are sick," I blurted out. "Oh, yes, very sick. I have cancer in both lungs.  It's a matter of weeks." "Can you talk about it, Tom?" I asked. "Sure, what would you like to know?" he replied. "What's it like to be only twenty-four and dying?   "Well, it could be worse. "Like what?” "Well, like being fifty and having no values or ideals, like being fifty and thinking that booze, seducing women, and making money are the real biggies in life.” I began to look through my mental file cabinet under "S" where I had filed Tommy as strange.  (It seems as though everybody I try to reject by classification, God sends back into my life to educate me.) "But what I really came to see you about," Tom said, "is something you said to me on the last day of class."  He remembered!) He continued, "I asked you if you thought I would ever find God and you said, 'No!' which surprised me.  Then you said, 'But He will find you.’  I thought about that a lot, even though my search for God was hardly intense at that time. (My clever line. He thought about that a lot!)  "But when the doctors removed a lump from my groin and told me that it was malignant, that's when I got serious about locating God. And when the malignancy spread into my vital organs, I really began banging bloody fists against the bronze doors of heaven. But God did not come out.  In fact, nothing happened.  Did you ever try anything for a long time with great effort and with no success? You get psychologically glutted, fed up with trying.  And then you quit. "Well, one day I woke up, and instead of throwing a few more futile appeals over that high brick wall to a God who may be or may not be there, I just quit.  I decided that I didn't really care about God, about an afterlife, or anything like that.  I decided to spend what time I had left doing something more profitable.  I thought about you and your class and I remembered something else you had said: 'The essential sadness is to go through life without loving.’ But it would be almost equally sad to go through life and leave this world without ever telling those you loved that you had loved them. "So, I began with the hardest one, my Dad.  He was reading the newspaper when I approached him.  "Dad. Yes, what?" he asked without lowering the newspaper.  "Dad, I would like to talk with you." "Well, talk.” "I mean. It's really important." The newspaper came down three slow inches.  "What is it?" "Dad, I love you, I just wanted you to know that."  Tom smiled at me and said it with obvious satisfaction, as though he felt a warm and secret joy flowing inside of him.  The newspaper fluttered to the floor.  Then my father did two things I could never remember him ever doing before.  He cried and he hugged me. We talked all night, even though he had to go to work the next morning. “It felt so good to be close to my father, to see his tears, to feel his hug, to hear him say that he loved me." "It was easier with my mother and little brother.  They cried with me, too, and we hugged each other and started saying real nice things to each other.  We shared the things we had been keeping secret for so many years. "I was only sorry about one thing --- that I had waited so long. Here I was, just beginning to open up to all the people I had actually been close to... "Then, one day I turned around and God was there. He didn't come to me when I pleaded with Him.  I guess I was like an animal trainer holding out a hoop, 'C'mon, jump through.  C'mon, I'll give you three days, three weeks. Apparently, God does things in His own way and at His own hour. But the important thing is that He was there.  He found me! You were right. He found me even after I stopped looking for Him. "Tommy," I practically gasped, "I think you are saying something very important and much more universal than you realize.  To me, at least, you are saying that the surest way to find God is not to make Him a private possession, a problem solver, or an instant consolation in time of need, but rather by opening to love... You know, the Apostle John said that.  He said: 'God is love, and anyone who lives in love is living with God and God is living in him. 'Tom, could I ask you a favor?  You know, when I had you in class you were a real pain.  But (laughingly) you can make it all up to me now.  Would you come into my present Theology of Faith course and tell them what you have just told me?  If I told them the same thing it wouldn't be half as effective as if you were to tell it.” "Oooh... I was ready for you, but I don't know if I'm ready for your class." "Tom, think about it.  If and when you are ready, give me a call." In a few days, Tom called, said he was ready for the class, that he wanted to do that for God and for me. So we scheduled a date. However, he never made it.  He had another appointment, far more important than the one with me and my class. Of course, his life was not really ended by his death, only changed. He made the great step from faith into vision.  He found a life far more beautiful than the eye of man has ever seen or the ear of man has ever heard or the mind of man has ever imagined. Before he died, we talked one last time. "I'm not going to make it to your class," he said. "I know, Tom." "Will you tell them for me? Will you ... tell the whole world for me?" I will, Tom. I'll tell them. I'll do my best." So, to all of you who have been kind enough to read this simple story about God's love, thank you for listening.  And to you, Tommy, somewhere in the sunlit, verdant hills of heaven --- I told them, Tommy, as best I could. If this story means anything to you, please pass it on to a friend or two. It is a true story and is not enhanced for publicity purposes. With thanks, Rev. John Powell, Professor, Loyola University, Chicago

Thoughts on the eve of Christmas Eve

Thoughts on the eve of Christmas Eve

Christmases past, those of my childhood, were filled with memories of family gatherings.

In that joyful, jovial atmosphere, surrounded by generations of family, I felt cherished.

Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins laughing and singing and, of course, eating.

Life went on. Families moved. Loved ones died. But the memories lingered.

Traditions developed to fit new circumstances, and as things continued to change traditions were hard to maintain. Family time became more and more precious as the next generation moved on and away. Traditions didn’t linger long once there were too few to carry them on.

So now I am at Christmas present and traditions have all but disappeared. Family time has become rare, so it is more precious still.

Christmas future is not guaranteed, so I cherish each day as it comes. If I could alter time, I would go back to those distant Christmases when I had no cares and no doubt that Christmas future would come. As I grow older, I appreciate all that life offers each day. I’ve grown more accepting of my limitations. Life goes on. It’s changed, but there is still joy every day. All I have to do is look around me and be aware.

Food Fight!

Each week, I face the dreaded scale at my TOPS meeting wondering if it will reward me with a loss. There are so many weeks when it does not reward me that it is sometimes tempting to contemplate throwing in the towel. BUT WAIT! Let me think about this. My entire week in in my hands to do with as I please. Do I please to indulge in cookies? How about any variety of "junk" food? Second helpings are a temptation, especially pasta...or stew...or chili...or - oh, just about anything. What about a bedtime snack? What can I grab? Well, I don't keep much in the house (I just threw the cookies out to the backyard critters) so let me look around. There's an apple or celery, but they're even better slathered with peanut butter. Cereal with milk could suffice, but Cheerios? Don't I have to add sugar to make them taste even better? Cheese - I can eat a small chunk of cheese, but, well, that really pairs nicely with some crispy crackers. Maybe a simple slice of toast ...with butter and cinnamon sugar. Ooops, there I go again. Food seems to take over my life, and I keep looking at the nothing I have in the house and turn it into something.

Eating is such a habit. It's a necessary habit, but where did this love affair with food come from? When I remember festive times with family and friends, they all revolved around food. Lots of food, and much of it so full of calories, by the time I was ready to call it a night, even my elastic waist band felt tight. So there's a reason; good memories.

Well, but I eat when I'm alone. Food just tastes good, at least most of the time. But I discovered that I don't even have to enjoy it to eat it. Nope, I can just eat because, well, maybe I'm bored. Maybe I'm even just thirsty. What a concept. Can't be true.

So here it is, 11:30 p.m. Sunday night. The cookies are strewn about the back yard. There isn't much else that's grab and eat, so I'd actually have to put in some effort to eat anything - but there is leftover pasta. Nah. I'd have to microwave that. But wait, I remember eating cold spaghetti sandwiches when I was a child. Hmmmmm. Nah. Gross! Well, not really gross, but I know how I'll feel if I indulge in that, and I would not feel good.

What are the chances I can fill my glass with ice water and head to bed? Stacy's cinnamon chips! I just remembered they're in the bread drawer.

How on earth am I supposed to talk myself out of eating when it seems like the only thing I want to do? Let me think. What would it feel like to see the scale move downward - to lose weight? I have to encourage more of me to want to see that happen and discourage the part of me that thinks food is the answer to everything. This is something I CAN do, but will I?

Well, Thursday will be here soon. The answer is on the scale.

The Four Agreements

So many fb posts about the Supreme Court decision, and so many are divisive. I posted the following as a reply to one on a friend's page.

There are rude, ill-informed, ignorant, and malevolent people in the world. Just about everyone is stereotyped and/or discriminated against in some way. I don’t have to agree with any of them, nor do I have to try and silence them. Even they are entitled to their opinion. All I can do is improve myself. I read “The Four Agreements,” and it’s helping me learn to do just that. http://www.toltecspirit.com/

1. Be Impeccable with your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Not everyone can or will try to improve their mean-spiritedness. It’s sad for them that they have such a narrow view of humanity. I don’t have to like their attitude. I don’t have to befriend them. I don’t have to agree with them. I don’t have to fight with them or make them agree with me. I don’t have to condemn them or even judge them. Let’s each begin improving ourselves and our outlook on life. I think it’s all we can do.

It makes me wonder

Recently, I saw a young mother walking with a child in a stroller. The hood of the stroller was up, so I couldn't really see the child well, but it looked to be under a year old. The mother was pushing the stroller with one hand, and in the other hand she held a cell phone playing a video to entertain the child. So, my question is this, "When did electronic gadgets replace human interaction?" It occurred to me that the hood should have been down so the child could examine the world - the sights and sounds going on around it, and interact with its mother and cement a relationship with a warm blooded human. Passersby might have cooed and talked to the child briefly. More human interaction. But instead, the child was locked into looking at the small screen of a cell phone to garner whatever entertainment was there. I was sad to see it.

It's bad enough when you're at a restaurant and you see a family gathered around a table and they aren't talking to each other. Each has a cell phone and is disassociated from the here and now. A family - or even a couple - around a table and no communication between them. Sad.

Electronic communication is a wonderful thing until it entirely replaces human interaction. Remember when you could go to the grocery store and chat to others waiting in line to check out? It seldom happens any more. So many people are walking with their heads down to read the latest news on a device that they miss what's going on around them. They miss the beauty, the sights and sounds of humanity. They miss out meeting new acquaintances, perhaps making a new friend. Sad.

Sure, I enjoy "electronics" time, but I prefer "human" time. There's not as much as there used to be. I miss it.