A Burst of Memory

Sometimes we simply don’t remember. Do you remember everything good that happened in your life any more clearly than anything bad? Maybe it’s all there in the folds of the brain just waiting for a reason to remember. I know I’ve done things I don’t want to remember. There might be as many regrets as there are joys, but they are hidden from me except on rare occasions when something evokes it; makes it come out of hiding. Then, like a flash of lightening, I experience a deep emotion pang; sometimes of great joy, but just as often great sorrow. And I think about it for a while, wondering what to do with it, what to do with an unbidden memory that came out of hiding.

So now I’m faced with living in that memory for a short time. I’m thinking of how I could have done things differently without really changing the outcome. With the memory comes questions of what could have been. Robert Frost was a prolific writer, but one poem in particular comes to mind when these unbidden memories arise; “Two roads diverged in a wood and I took the one less traveled by.” Maybe we all took the one less traveled by hoping, perhaps as Frost did, to return and try the other road. But that doesn’t happen. We only get one life and the way we choose to live it is what makes the outcome unique. I can second guess, but I’ll never really know.

Might I have nurtured distant friendships better? Might I have chosen a different path and still come out in the same place?

I do have regrets. I wish I had been “more.” More kind, considerate, compassionate, giving, loving _ more of so many of the things that work together to make life more fulfilled. Yet, as I lived each day, this might have been what I thought I was doing. It’s only in hindsight that I see I could have done it so much better. But I am me, and all that I was is what made me … me. If I am not content with the outcome, I cannot go back and change it no matter how dearly I might want to. I can only work to make today better than the day before or the day before that.

Aha! A thought comes to me at this juncture. How can I change me? Can an old dog learn new tricks? Can I become more than the sum of my entire life? Am I destined to live this path and make the best of it? In truth, I have no answers. If age brings wisdom, it brings it slowly. Just when I think I have stumbled upon a truth, life throws a curve and I’m not so sure.

Maybe – just maybe – I will live long enough for wisdom to be the better part of me. 

Losing Dad

Death is even more final than I believed. When you keep a vigil at someone's side, you know the inevitable is coming, but I don't think you can ever be prepared for that final moment when someone you love dearly ceases to be. There on the bed remains his earthly body that transported his soul for so long. Then, in one final breath, the body becomes a shell and the spirit of the man you knew and loved your entire life moves on to a new life...and you cannot be part of that life. My mind understands, but my heart does not.

I believe in heaven and I know Dad did, too. He was a spiritual man, consistent in prayer. Yet he was always understated; his prayers private as he sat reclining in his comfortable chair. He prayed for his parents, brothers, and sisters who all went before him. I imagine him now wrapped in the comfort of their welcoming love. Dad may never be proclaimed a saint, but he certainly is an angel.

Perhaps, I muse, God arranged it all (as God does). Dad died on the 6th birthday of his great-grandson. I imagine him as Jayce's very own guardian angel taking over from whichever angel previously held that slot. I don't think he could have a better one than Dad.

Things might have been so different. Each step that led me to Dad's side was hesitant...making the decision to go when there seemed no urgency...choosing the day to leave when so much made me want to stay...going to visit the day I arrived even though all my body wanted to do was sleep...choosing to stay at his side while everyone slept. A different decision at any juncture would have made things so different. We really are being guided day by day, but we don't recognize it until times like this.

Being at his side as he breathed his last breath was the saddest thing I've ever experienced, but I followed the right path even though I didn't know it at the time. The next few days will be a test of my endurance as we welcome family and friends who will come to offer their sympathy and condolences. My grief is new, but my faith gives me confidence. I will cry with my family and friends, but in my heart, I am at peace.

Bright Times

I'll be finished with the long-term substitute job I accepted soon. Things have gone surprising well in spite of a few obstacles I encountered. I learned much from this experience, but most of all I learned to expect the unexpected.

That serendipitous moment I spoke of earlier seems to be blossoming and full of promise for a most happy future. I watch with awe at its unfolding. I make no predictions, but I hope most fervently.

My youngest graduates from AFI Conservatory in a few days. I am not privy to her body of works, but given her talent I imagine they are quite wonderful. She has worked hard in graduate school and I look forward to seeing her succeed beyond any of her wildest dreams.

Thoughts on Relationships

Always remember to make time for each other. Watch a sunrise or a sunset. Walk through the surf. Pickup a sea shell. Walk through the woods. Pick a wild flower. Picnic on the front lawn. Throw some crust to the squirrels. Serve each other breakfast in bed. Walk through a garden. Plant a tree. Cuddle frequently. Tell jokes to each other. Talk about your fears. Talk about your joys. Try a new restaurant. Revisit your favorite place. Exchange love notes. Cry together. Forgive easily. Touch often. Clean the car together. Plan your dream vacation. Fold laundry together. Watch his favorite movie with him. Watch her favorite movie with her. Dance when the mood strikes. Sing – even if it’s off key. Pray together. Share your visions. Cook together. Be passionate. Remember to say please - and thank you to each other. Watch fireworks. Whisper to each other. Giggle together. Reminisce. Argue fairly. Give each other a scalp massage. Shower together. Compliment each other. Balance the bank statement together. Read poetry. Discuss the news and weather. Gossip. Take a class…learn Italian. Visit Rome. Pay bills together. You wash while she dries. Decorate the tree together. Hold hands in the mall. Sit together and people watch. Play games with a child. Bake cookies. Think before you speak in anger…you cannot take it back. You can’t say “I love you” too often. Say “I’m sorry” when it’s needed. Give him a single rose. Give her chocolate. Give your best at all times. Nurture your love and it grows endlessly.

Thoughts on a Winter's Night

The passage of time amazes me. In January, the year begins anew and I believe I have all the time in the world to accomplish my New Year’s resolutions. Before I know it, I’m eating candy out of a heart-shaped box, and I have almost no time to take a breath before green is the color of the day and shamrocks abound. Spring brings the celebration of Christ’s resurrection, followed in no time by days to honor Mom and then Dad. Watching fireworks light the sky on Independence Day still thrills me, and it seems that as the ash falls from the sky children are preparing for a new school year and we celebrate the day that marks the end of summer. Suddenly the days seem to start going faster and soon little goblins run to my door hoping for a treat. I have little time to catch my breath before I’m preparing a Thanksgiving feast to set on the table. Suddenly Christmas is upon me and I delight in putting up lights and decorations, trimming the tree, and baking cookies as I wait to celebrate the birth of Christ. And if that isn’t enough to speed along the year, there are birthdays, baptisms, weddings and anniversaries to celebrate with loved ones. It seems life is, after all, the passage of time and a series of “occasions” that bring people together in joy and yes, sometimes sadness. But right here, right now the spirit of the season makes me smile. Children laughing, adults scurrying, Santa ho ho-ing, houses draped in lights, frosty nights, and bright stars. As another year draws to a close, I wish you sweet memories, joy in simple pleasures, and blessings in the New Year.