A Burst of Memory

Sometimes we simply don’t remember. Do you remember everything good that happened in your life any more clearly than anything bad? Maybe it’s all there in the folds of the brain just waiting for a reason to remember. I know I’ve done things I don’t want to remember. There might be as many regrets as there are joys, but they are hidden from me except on rare occasions when something evokes it; makes it come out of hiding. Then, like a flash of lightening, I experience a deep emotion pang; sometimes of great joy, but just as often great sorrow. And I think about it for a while, wondering what to do with it, what to do with an unbidden memory that came out of hiding.

So now I’m faced with living in that memory for a short time. I’m thinking of how I could have done things differently without really changing the outcome. With the memory comes questions of what could have been. Robert Frost was a prolific writer, but one poem in particular comes to mind when these unbidden memories arise; “Two roads diverged in a wood and I took the one less traveled by.” Maybe we all took the one less traveled by hoping, perhaps as Frost did, to return and try the other road. But that doesn’t happen. We only get one life and the way we choose to live it is what makes the outcome unique. I can second guess, but I’ll never really know.

Might I have nurtured distant friendships better? Might I have chosen a different path and still come out in the same place?

I do have regrets. I wish I had been “more.” More kind, considerate, compassionate, giving, loving _ more of so many of the things that work together to make life more fulfilled. Yet, as I lived each day, this might have been what I thought I was doing. It’s only in hindsight that I see I could have done it so much better. But I am me, and all that I was is what made me … me. If I am not content with the outcome, I cannot go back and change it no matter how dearly I might want to. I can only work to make today better than the day before or the day before that.

Aha! A thought comes to me at this juncture. How can I change me? Can an old dog learn new tricks? Can I become more than the sum of my entire life? Am I destined to live this path and make the best of it? In truth, I have no answers. If age brings wisdom, it brings it slowly. Just when I think I have stumbled upon a truth, life throws a curve and I’m not so sure.

Maybe – just maybe – I will live long enough for wisdom to be the better part of me. 

Life and the Liberty Coin

There are times when life seems especially sweet, or perhaps poignant. I look back on my life and the road is long; looking forward the end is shrouded in mist yet still there on the horizon is the road not taken. Granted I have lived most of my life - I cannot possibly live another 60+ years - yet I look to the future and all it has to hold. I see joy and sorrow hidden in that mist. Yet, has not my life been a series of joys and sorrows - emotions that make life life.

Today I found a dime. The dime is a 1920 Liberty coin. It made me think of my Mother. Like the coin, she came into existence in 1920. The coin is worn but still of value. My Mother is worn, but still of inestimable value. She is not the woman of my youth, but she knows me still. Her mind falters and she repeats the same dialogue and I find it humorously alarming. I can have long, heartfelt talks with her, but she won't remember them. I can confide in her, hug her, and love her as I always have. She will not remember. I don't see the day when she will not remember me, but I have heard that it happens. Now it is she who needs the kind of care she gave to me all my life...and she doesn't realize it.

I will be spending time with her and my Dad this summer. I'm hoping...praying...that my heart will accept what is with gratitude. I want to enjoy this gift called the present.

Thoughts on Relationships

Always remember to make time for each other. Watch a sunrise or a sunset. Walk through the surf. Pickup a sea shell. Walk through the woods. Pick a wild flower. Picnic on the front lawn. Throw some crust to the squirrels. Serve each other breakfast in bed. Walk through a garden. Plant a tree. Cuddle frequently. Tell jokes to each other. Talk about your fears. Talk about your joys. Try a new restaurant. Revisit your favorite place. Exchange love notes. Cry together. Forgive easily. Touch often. Clean the car together. Plan your dream vacation. Fold laundry together. Watch his favorite movie with him. Watch her favorite movie with her. Dance when the mood strikes. Sing – even if it’s off key. Pray together. Share your visions. Cook together. Be passionate. Remember to say please - and thank you to each other. Watch fireworks. Whisper to each other. Giggle together. Reminisce. Argue fairly. Give each other a scalp massage. Shower together. Compliment each other. Balance the bank statement together. Read poetry. Discuss the news and weather. Gossip. Take a class…learn Italian. Visit Rome. Pay bills together. You wash while she dries. Decorate the tree together. Hold hands in the mall. Sit together and people watch. Play games with a child. Bake cookies. Think before you speak in anger…you cannot take it back. You can’t say “I love you” too often. Say “I’m sorry” when it’s needed. Give him a single rose. Give her chocolate. Give your best at all times. Nurture your love and it grows endlessly.

Thoughts on a Winter's Night

The passage of time amazes me. In January, the year begins anew and I believe I have all the time in the world to accomplish my New Year’s resolutions. Before I know it, I’m eating candy out of a heart-shaped box, and I have almost no time to take a breath before green is the color of the day and shamrocks abound. Spring brings the celebration of Christ’s resurrection, followed in no time by days to honor Mom and then Dad. Watching fireworks light the sky on Independence Day still thrills me, and it seems that as the ash falls from the sky children are preparing for a new school year and we celebrate the day that marks the end of summer. Suddenly the days seem to start going faster and soon little goblins run to my door hoping for a treat. I have little time to catch my breath before I’m preparing a Thanksgiving feast to set on the table. Suddenly Christmas is upon me and I delight in putting up lights and decorations, trimming the tree, and baking cookies as I wait to celebrate the birth of Christ. And if that isn’t enough to speed along the year, there are birthdays, baptisms, weddings and anniversaries to celebrate with loved ones. It seems life is, after all, the passage of time and a series of “occasions” that bring people together in joy and yes, sometimes sadness. But right here, right now the spirit of the season makes me smile. Children laughing, adults scurrying, Santa ho ho-ing, houses draped in lights, frosty nights, and bright stars. As another year draws to a close, I wish you sweet memories, joy in simple pleasures, and blessings in the New Year.